Saturday, April 25, 2020

The 25 Year Journey

Isaac's name meaning is "he will laugh". It reflects the laughter, in disbelief, of Abraham and Sarah, when told by God that they would have their chosen child. They were given a promise. 25 years later, in “old age” God fulfilled the greatest desire of precious Sarah’s heart. Laughter does the heart good, like medicine to the grief of delayed desires and broken dreams. Isaac was the perfect name to highlight the beautiful faithfulness and joyous laughter the seemingly “impossible” can bring.

I remember receiving my first word from God about my future child(ren). I have it marked in my Bible. Jeremiah 31:17 on 10/16/98, “And there is hope for you future, declares the Lord, and your children will return to their own territory.” I had waited since I was a youthful 9 years old to hear a word from my Heavenly Father specifically promising me a child. At 9, I began dreaming of the name I would call my daughter. In high school, my life-long best friend got pregnant when we were around 16. I was so envious. A BABY. My heart’s greatest desire. I was overjoyed that I got to be in the delivery room with her when she delivered him. What a joyful day! I began dreaming of my baby to come. I was going to name her Destiny Jane! If it was a boy, he would be Trevor James! I was ready to hurry through high school, find the love of my life (a pastor), get married, have a baseball team of kids. I would homeschool them and raise them up in the Lord to be shining examples of His love. It was all planned out “in my mind”.

At 19, I was swept off my feet by “prince charming”. He knew my heart was ministry and to marry a pastor. He told me he was called to be a pastor. Everything he did was gentlemanly. On our first meeting with my parents, he pulled my mom’s chair out for her. He stood up when the ladies left to go to the bathroom. Everything was perfect (too good to be true). I just KNEW we were going to immediately begin our family and soon have a quiver full of blessings! I surrendered my virginity and awaited the story of my dreams. Children who would give me grandchildren and 60 years later I would rejoice with my great and great great grandchildren. Oh, the generational blessing I dreamed of and planned out! 13 years later, the fairytale ended. Nothing ended up being as it seemed. He was not called to the ministry, he angrily told me he just said it because he knew that was what I wanted. He was not honest with me about the core values I looked for in the man I married, and I discovered that 7 years into our covenant. This was phase 1 of my infertility journey.

Grief (great sorrow) is a noun I am intimately acquainted with in life. The beautiful thing about grief is that it is not linear. Sorrow might last in the night but joy comes with the morning. Even in the deepest of pain there is the ability to have linear happiness and rejoicing. In Phase 1, I faced multiple levels of fairytale endings and the stark reality that life is not easily maneuvered.

Phase 1 - 13 years
1st marriage didn’t survive the struggles. Surgeries for cyst masses, endometriosis diagnosis, more surgery, fertility treatments, PCOS diagnosis, fertility clinics, Clomid, HSG injections, Lupron to get rid of endometriosis, more surgery, insemination and finally zero pregnancies and divorced at 32. Infertility was my reality but in the midst of the journey, I was honored to be given 2 children through the foster/adopt process with my 1st husband. He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children. Praise the Lord! (Psalm 113:9). And, last year, in 2019 I was in Africa doing mission work. While there, my son went to live with his biological mom. My heart was ripped from my chest and I realized that promise in Jeremiah says, “your children will return to their own territory”. My original promise was fulfilled. I faithfully honored the beauty of the journey God had for me.

Phase 2 - 11 1/2 years since 2008
I was given the gift of meeting an insanely handsome, godly and generous man. A true man of God who has been transparent with me since day one. Knowing and doing life with him confirmed to me that fairytales can come true. I was blessed with remarriage to the love of my life at 33! In the midst of a blended family of 4 children, raising 2 unique special needs arrows, and getting to know each other better – we took a break for a year from TTC (Trying to Conceive). I just knew, with the love of my life (who already had 2 natural born blessings), God would finally give me my promise. April 2013, I was in a healing service one night at church, called Habitation. After the service a lady (who I never saw before and have never seen again) brought me the letter laying right now beside me in my open bible. It has Isaiah 43 typed out and she wrote in it that God doesn’t do things in traditional ways. That suddenlies will happen for me and signs and wonders are coming my way. She told me when she handed it to me that she saw a lady rocking a baby when she wrote it as God downloaded the message. She saw me and knew during service she was supposed to give it to me.

Yet, no pregnancies after 5 years. So, in the fall of 2013, we braved the waters of seeing the Infertility Doctor. He gruffly said there was zero chance for IVF without my having an egg donor. And, I have very little chance of ever having a pregnancy unless a miracle happened. We walked away knowing BUT GOD but realizing we are not in control of His will!

Abraham and Sarah - The Couple Who Believed God for The Impossible. Over the last couple of years, I gave up. I’ve spent many nights in tears asking God why my heart isn’t releasing the desire to give birth. Wrestling with God’s perfect plan and will. I’m 45 and our kids are 16-22. We even have a grandbaby now. So, surely, my time is up and I should close the door to the greatest desire of my heart. Yet, I was reminded that God is not cruel, and He is faithful to deliver. He promises to give us the desire of our heart if we trust in Him. Habakkuk 2:3 says, “At the time I have decided, my words will come true. You can trust what I say about the future. It may take a long time but keep on waiting— it will happen!” So, with some of the delays and the realignment of meeting my true love, I have been around 24 years TTC. I guess that means I’m still a year shy of Sarah; therefore, now with renewal of desire we stand in faith and wait. Because, God is a God of the IMPOSSIBLE and even with -.01% of a chance of conception…..He is the God of miracles! No matter what the years ahead bring, I know He is loyal, and His plan is perfect!