Saturday, April 25, 2020

The 25 Year Journey

Isaac's name meaning is "he will laugh". It reflects the laughter, in disbelief, of Abraham and Sarah, when told by God that they would have their chosen child. They were given a promise. 25 years later, in “old age” God fulfilled the greatest desire of precious Sarah’s heart. Laughter does the heart good, like medicine to the grief of delayed desires and broken dreams. Isaac was the perfect name to highlight the beautiful faithfulness and joyous laughter the seemingly “impossible” can bring.

I remember receiving my first word from God about my future child(ren). I have it marked in my Bible. Jeremiah 31:17 on 10/16/98, “And there is hope for you future, declares the Lord, and your children will return to their own territory.” I had waited since I was a youthful 9 years old to hear a word from my Heavenly Father specifically promising me a child. At 9, I began dreaming of the name I would call my daughter. In high school, my life-long best friend got pregnant when we were around 16. I was so envious. A BABY. My heart’s greatest desire. I was overjoyed that I got to be in the delivery room with her when she delivered him. What a joyful day! I began dreaming of my baby to come. I was going to name her Destiny Jane! If it was a boy, he would be Trevor James! I was ready to hurry through high school, find the love of my life (a pastor), get married, have a baseball team of kids. I would homeschool them and raise them up in the Lord to be shining examples of His love. It was all planned out “in my mind”.

At 19, I was swept off my feet by “prince charming”. He knew my heart was ministry and to marry a pastor. He told me he was called to be a pastor. Everything he did was gentlemanly. On our first meeting with my parents, he pulled my mom’s chair out for her. He stood up when the ladies left to go to the bathroom. Everything was perfect (too good to be true). I just KNEW we were going to immediately begin our family and soon have a quiver full of blessings! I surrendered my virginity and awaited the story of my dreams. Children who would give me grandchildren and 60 years later I would rejoice with my great and great great grandchildren. Oh, the generational blessing I dreamed of and planned out! 13 years later, the fairytale ended. Nothing ended up being as it seemed. He was not called to the ministry, he angrily told me he just said it because he knew that was what I wanted. He was not honest with me about the core values I looked for in the man I married, and I discovered that 7 years into our covenant. This was phase 1 of my infertility journey.

Grief (great sorrow) is a noun I am intimately acquainted with in life. The beautiful thing about grief is that it is not linear. Sorrow might last in the night but joy comes with the morning. Even in the deepest of pain there is the ability to have linear happiness and rejoicing. In Phase 1, I faced multiple levels of fairytale endings and the stark reality that life is not easily maneuvered.

Phase 1 - 13 years
1st marriage didn’t survive the struggles. Surgeries for cyst masses, endometriosis diagnosis, more surgery, fertility treatments, PCOS diagnosis, fertility clinics, Clomid, HSG injections, Lupron to get rid of endometriosis, more surgery, insemination and finally zero pregnancies and divorced at 32. Infertility was my reality but in the midst of the journey, I was honored to be given 2 children through the foster/adopt process with my 1st husband. He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children. Praise the Lord! (Psalm 113:9). And, last year, in 2019 I was in Africa doing mission work. While there, my son went to live with his biological mom. My heart was ripped from my chest and I realized that promise in Jeremiah says, “your children will return to their own territory”. My original promise was fulfilled. I faithfully honored the beauty of the journey God had for me.

Phase 2 - 11 1/2 years since 2008
I was given the gift of meeting an insanely handsome, godly and generous man. A true man of God who has been transparent with me since day one. Knowing and doing life with him confirmed to me that fairytales can come true. I was blessed with remarriage to the love of my life at 33! In the midst of a blended family of 4 children, raising 2 unique special needs arrows, and getting to know each other better – we took a break for a year from TTC (Trying to Conceive). I just knew, with the love of my life (who already had 2 natural born blessings), God would finally give me my promise. April 2013, I was in a healing service one night at church, called Habitation. After the service a lady (who I never saw before and have never seen again) brought me the letter laying right now beside me in my open bible. It has Isaiah 43 typed out and she wrote in it that God doesn’t do things in traditional ways. That suddenlies will happen for me and signs and wonders are coming my way. She told me when she handed it to me that she saw a lady rocking a baby when she wrote it as God downloaded the message. She saw me and knew during service she was supposed to give it to me.

Yet, no pregnancies after 5 years. So, in the fall of 2013, we braved the waters of seeing the Infertility Doctor. He gruffly said there was zero chance for IVF without my having an egg donor. And, I have very little chance of ever having a pregnancy unless a miracle happened. We walked away knowing BUT GOD but realizing we are not in control of His will!

Abraham and Sarah - The Couple Who Believed God for The Impossible. Over the last couple of years, I gave up. I’ve spent many nights in tears asking God why my heart isn’t releasing the desire to give birth. Wrestling with God’s perfect plan and will. I’m 45 and our kids are 16-22. We even have a grandbaby now. So, surely, my time is up and I should close the door to the greatest desire of my heart. Yet, I was reminded that God is not cruel, and He is faithful to deliver. He promises to give us the desire of our heart if we trust in Him. Habakkuk 2:3 says, “At the time I have decided, my words will come true. You can trust what I say about the future. It may take a long time but keep on waiting— it will happen!” So, with some of the delays and the realignment of meeting my true love, I have been around 24 years TTC. I guess that means I’m still a year shy of Sarah; therefore, now with renewal of desire we stand in faith and wait. Because, God is a God of the IMPOSSIBLE and even with -.01% of a chance of conception…..He is the God of miracles! No matter what the years ahead bring, I know He is loyal, and His plan is perfect!

Saturday, January 30, 2016

My Journey of Healing

**My Journey of Healing**
I have to share with you what happened to me on Friday (1/29/16). So, I've been majorly working on practicing faith this week. I started claiming and speaking healing verses more than ever, because with all my infertility stuff (20 years), I have struggled with believing healing would happen to me.....everyone else... but not me, I thought. Yet, after a full month of struggling intensely with having a blood clot (deep vein thrombosis & superficial clots) in my right arm and chest and knowing I could face a pulmonary embolism, I dropped to my knees and have stood in re-newed faith. Read on for what is happening! 
Friday, I kept getting delayed with the Vascular Surgeon's office scheduling my pre-op to have it complete for Monday. Next thing you know, I got a call at 12:30 and the doc can't find a local hospital in this area (that she is certified for) that has nursing staff feeling trained and adequate to care for me in ICU for this procedure (Huge red flag). She tells us she is going to do it in Decatur, Texas, so go by 2pm. It's 30-45 minutes away from Fort Worth and our area. Strange but ok. Pulling up I kept saying, yikes this feels weird. The scheduler was explaining the intense risks (internal or external bleeding, immediate embolism, etc). But, hey, I'm so ready to be 100%, and the surgeon explained why it was critically important to do it ASAP on Thursday. I am willing to risk it to avoid the risk with the clot. Unexpectedly, the doc called us at 3pm when we were at the pre-op appointment and wanted to see me in person as soon as I was done. 
I went to her office and she said that after consulting some other doctors she wanted to see me before proceeding with the procedure next week. She consulted with 5 other doctors and they were split on if it was safe for me. 4 of 6 said it was a bad idea to do it to an otherwise healthy young lady. She said she knew she needed to see me to decide. In the midst of it all, I hadn't even realized my arm wasn't even 3/4 as swollen and is almost the same size as my other arm. And my pain slowly has been diminishing since Monday. Only 4 days ago - after weeks of intensity....healing! I am so much improved since Monday when she first met me that she said she is canceling the procedure.
It really is incredible! I've been beyond amazed. I didn't know how to feel when she cancelled, but realized over the last 24 hours. It's the prayers unraveling before my eyes!!!!! All week I've been saying I believed the blood of Jesus was going to supernaturally flow through my veins and dissolve the clot and I will experience radical healing. I've prayed for it to amaze doctors and drop prayer warriors to their knees in praise at how supernatural healing is seen in person! I keep saying this verse this week! “Jesus replied, “Truly I tell you, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and it will be done.”
Matthew 21:21 NIV. It's thrilling to be in this process and see it manifesting. And can you imagine the testimony of this in days to come. So exciting!

Sunday, September 27, 2015

Dignified Beauty

Stories of perceived bravery, courage, freedom, truth-seeking, beauty, perceptions and strength have headlined this year. I decided to search the Bible for some answers. What determines feminine beauty? 

Proverbs 31. The word dignity caught my eye. I became enthralled with the complexity of this word. "She is clothed in strength & dignity and laughs at days to come." 25

Dignity – Strong’s Dictionary 1926 – magnificence, that is, ornament or splendor: beauty, comeliness, excellency, glorious, glory, goodly, honor, majesty.

Strong's shows the Greek word for dignity encompasses a woman who carries herself with amazing confidence and has no need for recognition for who she is or what she does. You see, this treasured-vessel strives for excellence, only answering to her King. She has no need to look around (seeking attention) because majesty radiates from her inmost being.

Scripture describes what "bravery, courage, freedom, truth-seeking, beauty, perceptions, & strength" was originated to look like in society. It's the opposite of what media pushes for it to be in today's perception. It is dignity. Refined living radiating a dignified beauty.

I've decided to continue striving towards strength & dignity the Proverbs 31 way. Laughing at the silliness of "days to come" which try to distract me from the ultimate purpose. Laughing because those days hold no power or comparison to the places overcome in past days. Never doubting the Bible is the ultimate truth and foundation for beauty. I'm calling out for you to come with me (down the road less travelled) into a dignified beauty way of life.

What determines beauty for you? I found my answer.

Saturday, August 22, 2015

Mrs. Titanium

The last year has been quite a journey for me. It was a season of rest, spiritual retreat and physical healing. February of 2014 began the rough road of new injury. I fell off the steps of a friend's house when leaving it one evening. The result was a broken foot, not just one place but three areas and a pulled tendon. Much of the year was about overcoming. In November, my knee gave away (again) while walking down stair at my house and I took another tumble. This was the point I gave in to the pending total knee replacement. It was looming over me since 2006.

Now, I'm in recovery mode. December 2014, I became Mrs. Titanium. The journey has been extremely difficult. Activity and adventure are part of life for me. Getting back to life without limits has taught me the importance of recognizing limitations and rest.

A new season is approaching. One with activity and adventure. Most importantly, it is a season of anointed progress. Stay tuned. The world is about to shift a little more Amber colored.


Thursday, March 6, 2014

Celebrating Limits

Limitless living. What an exhilarating thought. Standing in a place where nothing or no-one can stop you from every single thing you want in life. Dare devil activities would be the norm with no consequences. Yet, in fact, getting out of bed is risky. Choosing to face life with all the obstacles requires risk.

My healing journey requires limited days. A limited day for me is one like I had recently. Bravely, I faced the truth of struggles swirling around me. I made it from my pillow to my toothbrush. Grabbed a handful of tissues and my head went back to my pillow. On a day like it, I imagined the words many may lovingly say to me. Words like, turn to God's strength not your own or just surrender it all and you will feel better. I love the scriptures of truth that in Him we can soar like an eagle, run and not get weary; clearly knowing His strength is perfect; being certain that in Christ I can do all things....including celebrating my weakness.

2 Corinthians 13:5-9 says to test that you are strong in the faith. Don't take things for granted. The message version says, "give yourself regular checkups." Profoundly accurate the last section says, we don't just put up with our limitations; we celebrate them, and then go on to celebrate every strength of the TRUTH in you. The truth is a war is raging against me. But, on my "limited days" the extravagant love of God sees me into the next day.

Certain times, we need a friend to bring over a box of tissues and pull up a trash can for our saturated snotty rags. Yet, vulnerability in itself is risky, limitless actually. It is a risk worth taking with ones tried and true. Lean on the few who "earn the right to hear your story" as Brene Brown speaks of in her profound writing.

Inhale/Exhale - one breathe at a time - one word prayers which echo back boundless love from heaven, some days like that are more intimate than hours on my knees with lots of words. 

Limits - not a bad word at all. Quite opposite, it is the one things that may help mend that wounded soul. Restoration comes from living days where you rest, cry it out, call your confidant. Agreeable harmony with your spirit, soul, body, and the Creator creating limitless exhilaration.....

Celebrate limits! Be assured, you are not alone. Live within your limits. I love that I get to love you! xo

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Courageous Parents

"The Few. The Proud. The Marines." This is an impressive slogan for the brave Marine Corp. They protect our freedom. They are trained for combat. Marines are strong heroes. My heart is forever thankful for them. Courage is not only for the military. It is required in the life of a parent. says, Courage is defined as the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc.,without fear; bravery. I must admit, I'm not always courageous. Fear creeps up and slaps me in the face. Difficulty attempts to flag me down and hold me in bondage. Yet, because I journey Christ's freedom process my mind/spirit has developed a "quality" to overcome, fear does not win. 

Parents have this unspoken responsibility of ensuring tiny creatures grow up to be courageous and positive forces in life. Simply put, parents are in a daily battle. This battle is not for the weak. It takes strength and love. Relying on self is a sure-fire way to fail in the parenting business. Without going to the very source of freedom, there is no way for victory. Freedom is found after facing the scariest areas inside ourselves. 

Most people are still searching for daily release from their own downfalls. Add in the responsibility of battling for other life's at the same time. This combination will either be successful or a complete nightmare. It is like watching a movie where the lead actor is tied up to a tree and must help their love out of quicksand. Can it be done? Absolutely, it is Hollywood. The lead actor wiggles and wiggles until the chains miraculously fall from them and they rush to successfully rescue their greatest love just in the nick of time. What about the unscripted every day movie playing out in the life of parents and one of their greatest loves, their children? How can chains be broken so parenting difficulty is overcome? There is only one Great Magician. His magic is not illusion. He is the "Great, I am." 

Parenting is not for the weak. We are weak in our own power. Simple realignment establishes bravery and courage. Ephesians 6:19-20, "And don’t forget to pray for me. Pray that I’ll know what to say and have the courage to say it at the right time, telling the mystery to one and all, the Message that I, jailbird preacher that I am, am responsible for getting out." Today, I am praying for all parents. You are protecting the heart and lives of your children. Teaching them to be brave warriors who are fighting darkness. You are a hero. Let your courage shine and break through your weariness. Turn to the greatest Warrior of all times. He is ready and waiting to help you.  

The Free. The Courageous. The Parents. 


Sunday, May 12, 2013

Mother's Day Reflection

Welsh Family 2012
Mother's Day has not always been a day of celebration for me. 8 years passed and every Mother's Day I cried. I sobbed tears of heartbreak and prayers begging for my desire to be fulfilled. Infertility can make Mother's Day painstaking for many. The journey is part of the beauty of where I am today. You see, motherhood comes different for some. Now I am a "mother" to many.  

11 years ago I became Mom to 8 different little ones who walked into my house and then back out through foster care. 10 years ago, 2 bundles knocked at my door and stayed through adoption. 5 years ago, 2 more little lives walked into my life and stayed through marriage. 

Over the last 3 years, I've taken into my heart 3 beautiful daughter's to sponsor from Malawi, Africa and 2 remain under my financial; prayer care.  A year ago, I ministered at a Crisis Pregnancy Center and now get to watch the life of 1 bundle of joy whose mama choose to bring him into this world because of God's words through me.  

Each child impacts me in a different way. I impact each child in a different capacity. The impact is the same....



This Mother's Day, I cry again. My life is full, overflowing with activity, sacrifice, prayers, guidance, laughter, tears, and consistent discipleship of many.